"You're not supposed to have to." It's a mumbled mess of an admission, but it's there, which is probably further than they've gotten in any of these rows before. But it's how he feels– he's the leader of this crew, he's meant to take care of his people, and he shouldn't need picked up, should be able to shoulder it alone.
He doesn't like the way Jesper just sort of deflates. Like he's accepting defeat. That's as far as he'll get, may as well deal with it. He doesn't know how to put the concept of why he doesn't like it into words, though.
But how? How do you get past something like that? He wants to, more than he knows how to say, but he can't see the way out of it. He debates what words come next, he isn't sure where to go from here, exactly.
There's a similarity in the feeling, now, to the way he feels when Noah keeps pressing an issue. To get that rise of emotion out of him to be able to see what he's really dealing with under it all. In a way, that's what makes it easier with Noah. It may be an internal pressure he puts on himself, but Kaz feels a bit pressed against the wall when it comes to Noah. He knows half the story, what good does it do to lie about it?
The difference, of course, is... Jesper doesn't know those things. He doesn't have that half of the playbook that Noah does. That makes it harder for the other boy, but in its own way, it makes it harder for Kaz, too. He has no external reason that pushes him to just come out with it the way knowing all those things about Noah does.
"At night... I dream of The Reaper's Barge." Not surprising, everything considered. But. "But now... it varies. Sometimes... it's the memory of being young and waking up there, Jordie and...all the others. But sometimes, now, I'm not young anymore... and you're there instead." Maybe it isn't a huge revelation. Is it really so hard to assume that his nightmares would twist the experience in such a way? Probably not. But Kaz admitting it? Out loud? That's practically enough for a celebration on its own.
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Date: 2021-10-10 10:15 pm (UTC)He doesn't like the way Jesper just sort of deflates. Like he's accepting defeat. That's as far as he'll get, may as well deal with it. He doesn't know how to put the concept of why he doesn't like it into words, though.
But how? How do you get past something like that? He wants to, more than he knows how to say, but he can't see the way out of it. He debates what words come next, he isn't sure where to go from here, exactly.
There's a similarity in the feeling, now, to the way he feels when Noah keeps pressing an issue. To get that rise of emotion out of him to be able to see what he's really dealing with under it all. In a way, that's what makes it easier with Noah. It may be an internal pressure he puts on himself, but Kaz feels a bit pressed against the wall when it comes to Noah. He knows half the story, what good does it do to lie about it?
The difference, of course, is... Jesper doesn't know those things. He doesn't have that half of the playbook that Noah does. That makes it harder for the other boy, but in its own way, it makes it harder for Kaz, too. He has no external reason that pushes him to just come out with it the way knowing all those things about Noah does.
"At night... I dream of The Reaper's Barge." Not surprising, everything considered. But. "But now... it varies. Sometimes... it's the memory of being young and waking up there, Jordie and...all the others. But sometimes, now, I'm not young anymore... and you're there instead." Maybe it isn't a huge revelation. Is it really so hard to assume that his nightmares would twist the experience in such a way? Probably not. But Kaz admitting it? Out loud? That's practically enough for a celebration on its own.