"Oh...this one is all me." Perhaps that would prove to be an upside to Jesper's impulsiveness. While Noah had his approach, Jesper would have his own--one built on intuition and time with Kaz that Noah simply didn't. There were advantages to being able to read someone, to know things and emotions. But there were different advantages to experience and knowing someone.
"You've had me in your space before. Back home, and here. Before I knew--Figured it might be easier to tolerate. It was worth a try anyway."
There's a small smirk in one corner of his mouth at that admission. Something about it feels right. That this is how Jesper would choose to approach the whole thing. He supposes between Noah and Jesper, something would have to work eventually.
"You weren't usually this pointed about it." He points out, one eyebrow arching slightly. "Usually, you're just not thinking about it. Easier to dismiss when all I have to do is send you a look and you back off." That isn't exactly the case here, now, because this is on purpose.
He has a point. In almost any other situation, Jesper would have backed off by now. But this wasn't a typical situation, and they weren't surrounded by the noise and chaos of home--there was almost a quiet intimacy to this, to it seemingly being just the two of them. "Usually, yes." He had to admit to that at least.
"But maybe this is just as much for me as it is for you. If I'm going to help you with this, I'm going to have to start pushing past some long-established boundaries. Starting here isn't a bad idea, as far as that goes."
"I suppose that makes sense." Once he was aware of the necessity of the boundaries that Kaz put around himself, Jesper did manage, relatively well, at respecting it. Momentary forgetfulness in a moment aside. He was good to avoid crossing those lines.
But that's going to take some undoing on his part, too. To move that line backwards and let himself cross it, over into Kaz's space... it can't actually be easy for him. Jesper is, in his own way, a people pleaser. He knows this will bother Kaz on a fundamental level that he cannot avoid at the moment. Choosing, intentionally, to do that, even for what will be an eventual (hopefully) positive payoff, is likely a round of mental acrobatics in his head.
"I think... it might be better." His words are stilted, this is awkward to admit, like anything shaped like real emotions always is. "With you helping. I...trust Noah with this... but not like I trust you." There's a weight to the last part.
"Wha--oh." It's one of those rare moments, one where Jesper is stunned to near silence. Admittances like that were, in his experience, unheard of when it came to Kaz. Such moments happen but they are rare at best. And charged with moments high in emotions besides.
This was nothing like those moments. It's quiet, unbidden. There was no danger prompting some settling of emotional debt, no Hellish terrors pushing them into territory they normally don't tread. This was a truth given on Kaz's terms when it didn't need to be given at all.
"Then...I'll do what I can. To help." That could almost go unsaid, but he felt the reassurance was a necessary answer to the trust given to him.
Any other time, it would be a victory to make Jesper speechless, but this just tugs at something in his chest to hear that surprise. Like he didn't expect it. Whether it was the fact he'd admitted anything at all, or that Jesper didn't actually think Kaz did trust him so fully, Kaz can't decide.
It could go unsaid, but there's a flood of relief at the assurance of it. Something that eases tension across his entire body, suddenly. "Thank you." he mumbles quietly.
"Yes..." he practically breathes the word out, even almost adds a 'please', but can't allow himself to step that far outside of the norm. Not right now. There's enough of that going on at the moment.
Jesper stays in his space for a moment longer after that affirmation, but then he eases back and settles back in his seat again. Distance and order reestablished once more.
"You all right?" As much as he knew to get past things, he would need to push Kaz, he didn't want to push too much or too far. That wouldn't help anything if he did that. "I think...that's the longest I've been in your space like that."
The tension that held him rigidly in place visibly deflates when Jesper settles back properly in his seat. "I'll be fine," he mutters dismissively, sinking a little into his corner of the couch.
It was a lot. The same way everything Noah asks of him is a lot. This is newer even than those things, so it's a little more taxing, but he knows in time it will help. Or that's the hope, at least.
Saints, he hopes all of this works the way they're all hoping for it to. It would be a special kind of torture to suffer all this for no payoff in the end.
He would argue that the fact Kaz would be fine absolutely did not answer if he was fine at the moment. But he was used to such answers, to the dismissive half-denial of need. It would be something Kaz nursed on his own for now.
"...I'm going to warn you now: I'll be looking for opportunities to try that again. I won't push closer than I did today, not yet anyway." Even if he wasn't going to warn him when it happened, the least he could do was to make it clear it was going to happen again. Possibly with some level of frequency.
He was, in fact, definitely not completely fine in the moment, but he knows it won't last. It's nothing, having someone in his space, compared to actually being touched, it's an easier thing to recover from.
Kaz nods his understanding. The idea makes sense. Knowing the potential will help, even if he isn't warned in the moment. "Don't hold it against me if I punch you." It's only half a joke– people in his face? Gonna get a reaction, especially if it's unexpected. But Jesper probably knows to expect some kind of reaction, at least for the first while, as he adjust to Jesper's strange boundary-pushing.
"I'll make sure to move out of the way." An easy reply, a full joke to his half. He knows the likelihood of being in the trajectory of one of Kaz's punches, or Saints forbid a swing of his cane, was going to go up exponentially.
He just had to remind himself that the payoff would (hopefully) be worth the risk. And Jesper was always one to go for the bigger-the-risk-the-bigger-reward scenarios.
Odd how a laugh can draw one's attention, make them sit up straighter and take notice. But the truth is, laughter was rare from Kaz. Harsh scoffs, half-smirks, snorts of amusement? All fair game. But something soft, bubbling with amusement? Now that was something earned.
Pity, it was also rather short-lived.
"It will." It's said with confidence and conviction. It's not a matter of if to Jesper, more a matter of when. If Kaz wanted this to work, he'd do what he could to make sure they made it there.
The certainty in those two words is nice to hear, acts almost as a balm on Kaz's own doubts. If Jesper can be that sure about it, why can't he? "Thanks." he says softly, the tiniest of smiles on his lips.
He doesn't know how to make all of his apprehension go away from all of this. But maybe he doesn't have to believe it, if his people believe it for him, for now. Maybe that could be enough, until enough evidence is gathered for him to be unable to deny the logic of an upward trend.
"You're welcome." A small smile met with a brilliant one. It's odd, to have thanks where usually it's unspoken, but perhaps this situation called for it to be heard. Either way, he wouldn't complain about it. Kaz had his faith and confidence, with or without the thanks it would be there.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 10:37 pm (UTC)"You've had me in your space before. Back home, and here. Before I knew--Figured it might be easier to tolerate. It was worth a try anyway."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 10:44 pm (UTC)"You weren't usually this pointed about it." He points out, one eyebrow arching slightly. "Usually, you're just not thinking about it. Easier to dismiss when all I have to do is send you a look and you back off." That isn't exactly the case here, now, because this is on purpose.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:05 pm (UTC)"But maybe this is just as much for me as it is for you. If I'm going to help you with this, I'm going to have to start pushing past some long-established boundaries. Starting here isn't a bad idea, as far as that goes."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:15 pm (UTC)But that's going to take some undoing on his part, too. To move that line backwards and let himself cross it, over into Kaz's space... it can't actually be easy for him. Jesper is, in his own way, a people pleaser. He knows this will bother Kaz on a fundamental level that he cannot avoid at the moment. Choosing, intentionally, to do that, even for what will be an eventual (hopefully) positive payoff, is likely a round of mental acrobatics in his head.
"I think... it might be better." His words are stilted, this is awkward to admit, like anything shaped like real emotions always is. "With you helping. I...trust Noah with this... but not like I trust you." There's a weight to the last part.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:23 pm (UTC)This was nothing like those moments. It's quiet, unbidden. There was no danger prompting some settling of emotional debt, no Hellish terrors pushing them into territory they normally don't tread. This was a truth given on Kaz's terms when it didn't need to be given at all.
"Then...I'll do what I can. To help." That could almost go unsaid, but he felt the reassurance was a necessary answer to the trust given to him.
A beat, two, three. "Do you want me to move?"
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:35 pm (UTC)It could go unsaid, but there's a flood of relief at the assurance of it. Something that eases tension across his entire body, suddenly. "Thank you." he mumbles quietly.
"Yes..." he practically breathes the word out, even almost adds a 'please', but can't allow himself to step that far outside of the norm. Not right now. There's enough of that going on at the moment.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:41 pm (UTC)"You all right?" As much as he knew to get past things, he would need to push Kaz, he didn't want to push too much or too far. That wouldn't help anything if he did that. "I think...that's the longest I've been in your space like that."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:47 pm (UTC)It was a lot. The same way everything Noah asks of him is a lot. This is newer even than those things, so it's a little more taxing, but he knows in time it will help. Or that's the hope, at least.
Saints, he hopes all of this works the way they're all hoping for it to. It would be a special kind of torture to suffer all this for no payoff in the end.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:56 pm (UTC)"...I'm going to warn you now: I'll be looking for opportunities to try that again. I won't push closer than I did today, not yet anyway." Even if he wasn't going to warn him when it happened, the least he could do was to make it clear it was going to happen again. Possibly with some level of frequency.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:03 am (UTC)Kaz nods his understanding. The idea makes sense. Knowing the potential will help, even if he isn't warned in the moment. "Don't hold it against me if I punch you." It's only half a joke– people in his face? Gonna get a reaction, especially if it's unexpected. But Jesper probably knows to expect some kind of reaction, at least for the first while, as he adjust to Jesper's strange boundary-pushing.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:07 am (UTC)He just had to remind himself that the payoff would (hopefully) be worth the risk. And Jesper was always one to go for the bigger-the-risk-the-bigger-reward scenarios.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:11 am (UTC)He shoves a hand through his hair and sighs. "Saints, I hope all this works, somehow."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:17 am (UTC)Pity, it was also rather short-lived.
"It will." It's said with confidence and conviction. It's not a matter of if to Jesper, more a matter of when. If Kaz wanted this to work, he'd do what he could to make sure they made it there.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:31 am (UTC)He doesn't know how to make all of his apprehension go away from all of this. But maybe he doesn't have to believe it, if his people believe it for him, for now. Maybe that could be enough, until enough evidence is gathered for him to be unable to deny the logic of an upward trend.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:36 am (UTC)