"I'm not going to say you can manage it if I don't think it's possible." Jesper was a cheerleader, but not a liar. He's seen Kaz manage what seems impossible on more than one occasion, he doesn't doubt that this is something he can get through too. "Only difference is...you need to rely on some other people too, not just yourself."
That was half the problem, the relying on the other's part. Not because Kaz can't, but because it's a weakness he doesn't want people to see. Even when they already know about it.
Ad for the other part, the heavier quiet truth: "I just...That's why it's important that you admit things, that I push. If that's all I'm left with, I want the truth of it. I don't want to wonder. Doesn't matter if it goes somewhere or not."
He nods a little at the vote of confidence. He still isn't sure he feels it quite so certainly, but... he'll accept that Jesper does. "I'm trying..." Sort of. He's mostly put this all in one person's lap, and that probably still isn't great in itself. The little argument he'd gotten into with Noah earlier was probably proof enough of that.
But he was so used to being so guarded around them. All of his crows. Wired to never let himself show weakness to the people that mattered most– he can practically hear Noah in his head arguing that they're the ones that should see it because they would understand and help him through the other side.
'If that's all I'm left with..." it twists something sharp and jagged in his chest. All he had left of his brother was maybe half a decade's worth of memories and the last handful of them were soured through time and understanding of exactly what had happened, what Jordie had allowed to happen. He doesn't want Jesper to have those sort of things left to deal with, eventually, does he?
He's quiet for several, long drawn out minutes. Until finally, he speaks again, voice careful, soft. "....yes. The...answer to your question is...yes. You're attractive." There's a beat and he adds, a little lighter, "I'm not blind."
In all honesty, Jesper wasn't expecting what he said to lead to any more truths or revelations from Kaz. He wasn't even out to get an answer to his question anymore. He just needed Kaz to see why he was...well the way he was. Why he pushed, annoyed, and clung on. If anything, it might have earned some honesty out of him at a later point--or it could have gotten him to consider his own approach to relationships.
The answer, quiet and soft, was not expected. Though the added snark at the end certainly helped ease the shock. "Good to know your eyes are in working order then." He wasn't going to linger on it. Drawing it out or needling Kaz on it further would only serve to get on his nerves.
Sometimes, things hit in the right ways to squeeze it out of him anyway. Jesper just happened to trip into something that landed just so and made that happen. And it would be something that he mulled over for a long while later, probably, too.
He scoffs and shakes his head, eyes rolling playfully. "You're an idiot." but there's no real heat to the words, just that hidden affection that comes with it.
"He says with no malice. You like it." Jesper throws back, the teasing timbre back in his voice. "After all, you're the one that finds this idiot attractive."
Kaz has to know that he had to, at some point or another, tease him at least once about it. It's not as though it would be unexpected of him to do so.
"For some reason." he quips back at him, a smirk on his lips. He absolutely expected it, and it feels natural, unlike the heap of everything else that came before it– he much prefers the lighter, teasing nature of things between them to the heavy alternatives.
"Yeah well, whatever the reason: You're stuck with it, with me." That was a fact long before any of this, before the mess this place had caused. There's a reason Jesper is Kaz's sharpshooter and no one else's.
Jesper may see it as pure fact, but sometimes Kaz has his doubts that it can last like that. He knows how difficult he is, how frustrating he is to deal with. So... hearing it stated quite so plainly from the other boy's mouth does a lot to ease something that often clings to the back of his mind. "If you insist." he says casually, a smirk still touching his lips.
If Kaz had any idea how that smirk of his almost invited flirtation from people like Jesper, he might avoid from wearing the expression so often. Or not--apparently there are some things he didn't have the best read on when it came to Kaz. Be that as it may, it does invite action from Jesper, drawing him in and causing him to invade Kaz's space as he leaned in close again.
He absolutely does not realize, at least 90% of the time, all the things he does and says that are definitely easily flirtatious. Just ask Noah. If he did, half of all of his conversations with Jesper would have been different than they are, probably.
"Thought you might." he mumbles quietly, going very, very still as Jesper pushes himself into his space again. He's really terrible about doing that. Even before it became a soft goal to get him more used to that sort of thing from people.
"Of course." He murmurs back, carefully watching Kaz's reaction. He knows there are limits--and knows how often he's pressed up against the very edge of them even before coming here. But this is the goal isn't it? To push until it's no longer a barrier to interaction, to people.
"Relax." He breathes, voice low and quiet. He doesn't move closer, but he doesn't remove himself from Kaz's space either.
Easier said than done, Jesper. He isn't sure how to relax with the other boy this close. Jesper's unpredictability only makes everything feel even... riskier than it already is. "What exactly are you doing?" he murmurs, jaw set, body still rigid.
Jesper, at first, merely hums and shrugs--letting the moment sit and settle before he offers an actual answer. "Testing. Boundaries, limits." Playing a dangerous game and taking a risk. "I'm not going to reach out and touch you if that's worrying you. Not today, anyway."
That drawn out hum does absolutely nothing for Kaz's nerves. He hates this. He hates how easy it is for someone to get under his skin, even without touching him. Of course, this is exactly why this has to happen, why he has to let it, even though every fiber of his being is screaming at him to escape, to lean away, to create distance and space.
Actually, that assurance does help, at least a little. It's most visible in his shoulders. Still tense, but just that little bit less so. "Something Noah suggested, or did you decide this little tactic on your own?" He's actually not sure which answer he would rather be true.
"Oh...this one is all me." Perhaps that would prove to be an upside to Jesper's impulsiveness. While Noah had his approach, Jesper would have his own--one built on intuition and time with Kaz that Noah simply didn't. There were advantages to being able to read someone, to know things and emotions. But there were different advantages to experience and knowing someone.
"You've had me in your space before. Back home, and here. Before I knew--Figured it might be easier to tolerate. It was worth a try anyway."
There's a small smirk in one corner of his mouth at that admission. Something about it feels right. That this is how Jesper would choose to approach the whole thing. He supposes between Noah and Jesper, something would have to work eventually.
"You weren't usually this pointed about it." He points out, one eyebrow arching slightly. "Usually, you're just not thinking about it. Easier to dismiss when all I have to do is send you a look and you back off." That isn't exactly the case here, now, because this is on purpose.
He has a point. In almost any other situation, Jesper would have backed off by now. But this wasn't a typical situation, and they weren't surrounded by the noise and chaos of home--there was almost a quiet intimacy to this, to it seemingly being just the two of them. "Usually, yes." He had to admit to that at least.
"But maybe this is just as much for me as it is for you. If I'm going to help you with this, I'm going to have to start pushing past some long-established boundaries. Starting here isn't a bad idea, as far as that goes."
"I suppose that makes sense." Once he was aware of the necessity of the boundaries that Kaz put around himself, Jesper did manage, relatively well, at respecting it. Momentary forgetfulness in a moment aside. He was good to avoid crossing those lines.
But that's going to take some undoing on his part, too. To move that line backwards and let himself cross it, over into Kaz's space... it can't actually be easy for him. Jesper is, in his own way, a people pleaser. He knows this will bother Kaz on a fundamental level that he cannot avoid at the moment. Choosing, intentionally, to do that, even for what will be an eventual (hopefully) positive payoff, is likely a round of mental acrobatics in his head.
"I think... it might be better." His words are stilted, this is awkward to admit, like anything shaped like real emotions always is. "With you helping. I...trust Noah with this... but not like I trust you." There's a weight to the last part.
"Wha--oh." It's one of those rare moments, one where Jesper is stunned to near silence. Admittances like that were, in his experience, unheard of when it came to Kaz. Such moments happen but they are rare at best. And charged with moments high in emotions besides.
This was nothing like those moments. It's quiet, unbidden. There was no danger prompting some settling of emotional debt, no Hellish terrors pushing them into territory they normally don't tread. This was a truth given on Kaz's terms when it didn't need to be given at all.
"Then...I'll do what I can. To help." That could almost go unsaid, but he felt the reassurance was a necessary answer to the trust given to him.
Any other time, it would be a victory to make Jesper speechless, but this just tugs at something in his chest to hear that surprise. Like he didn't expect it. Whether it was the fact he'd admitted anything at all, or that Jesper didn't actually think Kaz did trust him so fully, Kaz can't decide.
It could go unsaid, but there's a flood of relief at the assurance of it. Something that eases tension across his entire body, suddenly. "Thank you." he mumbles quietly.
"Yes..." he practically breathes the word out, even almost adds a 'please', but can't allow himself to step that far outside of the norm. Not right now. There's enough of that going on at the moment.
Jesper stays in his space for a moment longer after that affirmation, but then he eases back and settles back in his seat again. Distance and order reestablished once more.
"You all right?" As much as he knew to get past things, he would need to push Kaz, he didn't want to push too much or too far. That wouldn't help anything if he did that. "I think...that's the longest I've been in your space like that."
The tension that held him rigidly in place visibly deflates when Jesper settles back properly in his seat. "I'll be fine," he mutters dismissively, sinking a little into his corner of the couch.
It was a lot. The same way everything Noah asks of him is a lot. This is newer even than those things, so it's a little more taxing, but he knows in time it will help. Or that's the hope, at least.
Saints, he hopes all of this works the way they're all hoping for it to. It would be a special kind of torture to suffer all this for no payoff in the end.
He would argue that the fact Kaz would be fine absolutely did not answer if he was fine at the moment. But he was used to such answers, to the dismissive half-denial of need. It would be something Kaz nursed on his own for now.
"...I'm going to warn you now: I'll be looking for opportunities to try that again. I won't push closer than I did today, not yet anyway." Even if he wasn't going to warn him when it happened, the least he could do was to make it clear it was going to happen again. Possibly with some level of frequency.
He was, in fact, definitely not completely fine in the moment, but he knows it won't last. It's nothing, having someone in his space, compared to actually being touched, it's an easier thing to recover from.
Kaz nods his understanding. The idea makes sense. Knowing the potential will help, even if he isn't warned in the moment. "Don't hold it against me if I punch you." It's only half a joke– people in his face? Gonna get a reaction, especially if it's unexpected. But Jesper probably knows to expect some kind of reaction, at least for the first while, as he adjust to Jesper's strange boundary-pushing.
"I'll make sure to move out of the way." An easy reply, a full joke to his half. He knows the likelihood of being in the trajectory of one of Kaz's punches, or Saints forbid a swing of his cane, was going to go up exponentially.
He just had to remind himself that the payoff would (hopefully) be worth the risk. And Jesper was always one to go for the bigger-the-risk-the-bigger-reward scenarios.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2021-10-30 10:59 pm (UTC)That was half the problem, the relying on the other's part. Not because Kaz can't, but because it's a weakness he doesn't want people to see. Even when they already know about it.
Ad for the other part, the heavier quiet truth: "I just...That's why it's important that you admit things, that I push. If that's all I'm left with, I want the truth of it. I don't want to wonder. Doesn't matter if it goes somewhere or not."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-30 11:30 pm (UTC)But he was so used to being so guarded around them. All of his crows. Wired to never let himself show weakness to the people that mattered most– he can practically hear Noah in his head arguing that they're the ones that should see it because they would understand and help him through the other side.
'If that's all I'm left with..." it twists something sharp and jagged in his chest. All he had left of his brother was maybe half a decade's worth of memories and the last handful of them were soured through time and understanding of exactly what had happened, what Jordie had allowed to happen. He doesn't want Jesper to have those sort of things left to deal with, eventually, does he?
He's quiet for several, long drawn out minutes. Until finally, he speaks again, voice careful, soft. "....yes. The...answer to your question is...yes. You're attractive." There's a beat and he adds, a little lighter, "I'm not blind."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-30 11:53 pm (UTC)The answer, quiet and soft, was not expected. Though the added snark at the end certainly helped ease the shock. "Good to know your eyes are in working order then." He wasn't going to linger on it. Drawing it out or needling Kaz on it further would only serve to get on his nerves.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-31 12:13 am (UTC)He scoffs and shakes his head, eyes rolling playfully. "You're an idiot." but there's no real heat to the words, just that hidden affection that comes with it.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-31 06:03 pm (UTC)Kaz has to know that he had to, at some point or another, tease him at least once about it. It's not as though it would be unexpected of him to do so.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-31 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-31 11:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-01 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 08:59 pm (UTC)"I absolutely insist."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 09:27 pm (UTC)"Thought you might." he mumbles quietly, going very, very still as Jesper pushes himself into his space again. He's really terrible about doing that. Even before it became a soft goal to get him more used to that sort of thing from people.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 09:43 pm (UTC)"Relax." He breathes, voice low and quiet. He doesn't move closer, but he doesn't remove himself from Kaz's space either.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 09:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 10:31 pm (UTC)Actually, that assurance does help, at least a little. It's most visible in his shoulders. Still tense, but just that little bit less so. "Something Noah suggested, or did you decide this little tactic on your own?" He's actually not sure which answer he would rather be true.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 10:37 pm (UTC)"You've had me in your space before. Back home, and here. Before I knew--Figured it might be easier to tolerate. It was worth a try anyway."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 10:44 pm (UTC)"You weren't usually this pointed about it." He points out, one eyebrow arching slightly. "Usually, you're just not thinking about it. Easier to dismiss when all I have to do is send you a look and you back off." That isn't exactly the case here, now, because this is on purpose.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:05 pm (UTC)"But maybe this is just as much for me as it is for you. If I'm going to help you with this, I'm going to have to start pushing past some long-established boundaries. Starting here isn't a bad idea, as far as that goes."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:15 pm (UTC)But that's going to take some undoing on his part, too. To move that line backwards and let himself cross it, over into Kaz's space... it can't actually be easy for him. Jesper is, in his own way, a people pleaser. He knows this will bother Kaz on a fundamental level that he cannot avoid at the moment. Choosing, intentionally, to do that, even for what will be an eventual (hopefully) positive payoff, is likely a round of mental acrobatics in his head.
"I think... it might be better." His words are stilted, this is awkward to admit, like anything shaped like real emotions always is. "With you helping. I...trust Noah with this... but not like I trust you." There's a weight to the last part.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:23 pm (UTC)This was nothing like those moments. It's quiet, unbidden. There was no danger prompting some settling of emotional debt, no Hellish terrors pushing them into territory they normally don't tread. This was a truth given on Kaz's terms when it didn't need to be given at all.
"Then...I'll do what I can. To help." That could almost go unsaid, but he felt the reassurance was a necessary answer to the trust given to him.
A beat, two, three. "Do you want me to move?"
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:35 pm (UTC)It could go unsaid, but there's a flood of relief at the assurance of it. Something that eases tension across his entire body, suddenly. "Thank you." he mumbles quietly.
"Yes..." he practically breathes the word out, even almost adds a 'please', but can't allow himself to step that far outside of the norm. Not right now. There's enough of that going on at the moment.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:41 pm (UTC)"You all right?" As much as he knew to get past things, he would need to push Kaz, he didn't want to push too much or too far. That wouldn't help anything if he did that. "I think...that's the longest I've been in your space like that."
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:47 pm (UTC)It was a lot. The same way everything Noah asks of him is a lot. This is newer even than those things, so it's a little more taxing, but he knows in time it will help. Or that's the hope, at least.
Saints, he hopes all of this works the way they're all hoping for it to. It would be a special kind of torture to suffer all this for no payoff in the end.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 11:56 pm (UTC)"...I'm going to warn you now: I'll be looking for opportunities to try that again. I won't push closer than I did today, not yet anyway." Even if he wasn't going to warn him when it happened, the least he could do was to make it clear it was going to happen again. Possibly with some level of frequency.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:03 am (UTC)Kaz nods his understanding. The idea makes sense. Knowing the potential will help, even if he isn't warned in the moment. "Don't hold it against me if I punch you." It's only half a joke– people in his face? Gonna get a reaction, especially if it's unexpected. But Jesper probably knows to expect some kind of reaction, at least for the first while, as he adjust to Jesper's strange boundary-pushing.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 12:07 am (UTC)He just had to remind himself that the payoff would (hopefully) be worth the risk. And Jesper was always one to go for the bigger-the-risk-the-bigger-reward scenarios.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: