Kaz's reaction is enough to break the lingering tension. The tension of the previous conversation. The tension that hung on a thread waiting for this topic to come up. The exasperation at the utter lack of a tactful segue has Jesper snickering--and then all-out laughing.
"Sorry Kaz, but that is why I'm here in the first place." He says between laughter. Was he actually sorry about any of it? Absolutely not.
"I...don't know what you expect me to say." His words are a little harsh, but in a strained way more than anything truly severe or angry at all.
Flustered is not a state of being that Kaz is very familiar with, but he can't deny that's what everything about this particular topic of conversation is making him feel. "I'm not sure why this... is somehow groundbreaking enough to require an entire confrontation."
Oh. Unless his eyes were fooling him, something about this mess had Kaz--Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands, Demjin--Brekker flustered. That's new.. He shouldn't be taking a cheap thrill out of this, but it wasn't often that Kaz was anything more than a stoic and commanding figure. He'd take what joys he could.
"An entire conversation." Jesper starts, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and an amused tone in his voice as he comes more into Kaz's space. There's a hint of a grin, parts devilish and parts bordering on flirtatious. He's starting to tread a line here, but what's a bit of fun without hedging one's bets? "We're having a conversation, not a confrontation, Kaz. Call it curiosity. You said you weren't bothered, figured it would have been something to raise your hackles..."
A shrug, a beat--two, three, four--and then Jesper is leaning back in his seat again, all ease. The grin was still spread across his lips, self-satisfied in the moment.
"Whatever you want to call it," he all-but snaps, unconsciously trying to lean back when Jesper leans further toward him, but... there's the back of the couch in the way, and he can't actually put any further distance there. He just sort of has to... deal with it, until Jesper decides to stop being a brat.
There's a sudden breath in his lungs when he does, inevitably, move away again. He has to wonder if that was on purpose. Probably, knowing Jesper. He doesn't like that stupid, smug grin on his face, either. "Oh, give me a break, Jesper." His face scrunches up a bit in something half-annoyed, half... something not quite nameable. "I may not be as experienced as you," his eyebrows lift. "But I'm not a prude. And you don't have anything I haven't seen before."
"Why does there have to be some sort of...revelation attached to it? It doesn't bother me... the same way it doesn't bother me when Noah flirts with me. It just...doesn't." He's never bothered thinking any further than that little bit on the surface, truthfully.
"Didn't suggest you were a prude." Because really, one cannot live in the Barrel and be a prude. It wasn't possible. They'd die of shock first. "But--and this may come as a shock to you--" Hardly, but the banal tone in Jesper's voice suggested exasperation, and perhaps that Kaz was being more than a little obtuse. "Most people would, at the very least, be a bit more put out about seeing their friend's dick."
If only for the set of events that led to said dick-sighting. There was, after all, a reason he had worried at Kaz's potential reaction--for a moment, he had expected something more along the lines of normal and expected. He had forgotten that those two words did not quite run synonymous with Kaz Brekker.
"You are honestly telling me you don't wonder at it? Why the flirtation doesn't quite bother you--Given certain circumstances," Kaz's issue with touch is what immediately springs to mind, "I'd have thought it would give you more...pause."
Jesper's worry was, honestly, absolutely warranted– Kaz could be a powder-keg at the worst moments, and sometimes it was hard to tell what might set him alight. And though he doesn't see it, Jesper is equally in his rights to be confused by his lack of reaction.
"Wonder at what?" He seems genuinely confused by that particular line of questioning. He scoffs a little at the implication. "Why should it? It's a picture and some words... there's not actual intention of anything. You never intended for me to be the one that ended up with it. And Noah– I don't know. I think he's just like that, with everyone."
"Saints." Jesper has to laugh. Because of course, Kaz never bothered to look deeper at it, and of course he wouldn't be the type to wonder at why he had Noah's attention in the first place. Obtuse. "First off. Noah isn't just like that with everyone. The list is fairly short from what I've seen."
And he had made it a habit to make note of it before he and Noah tripped into whatever this budding friendship of theirs was. Jealousy made people do odd things--like keeping tabs on a certain ghost that had a knack for getting a human safe to open up with what seemed to be very little effort.
"Point being, you can't just explain that all away. Because even though I didn't intend for you to end up with it, the intention of that kind of thing is pretty obvious and you--what, just shrug it off? Not buying it."
A frown flickers curiously across his face at the comment about Noah, but... maybe he's right. Kaz can't say he's seen Noah around very many people that weren't in one or the other of their respective groups, honestly. As population samples go, it's a pretty small one, and probably makes for heavily skewed assumptions.
"I think I just did." He points out, lifting his eyebrows in some sort of challenge. "Why wouldn't I shrug it off?"
He sighs, exasperated, as one often is when dealing with Jesper in his personal, vast experience of it, thanks. "Jesper... I don't know what you think you know, or... what you're looking for, here."
"Let's pretend for a second that you have more than a speck of standard social skills." Jesper huffs. He's used to Kaz being an idiot in these matters, or at the very least, less observational than he is with other things. But this was bordering on ridiculous. "Why would someone flirt with another person, Kaz?"
If he didn't make the connection himself, Jesper might strangle him.
"And once again, usually, people wouldn't just shrug it off. For all the Saints..." Or maybe he could just die here from exasperation. Honestly, Hell should get rid of some of his sins for dealing with this. Patience was a Virtue and he was showing it in spades right now.
His eyebrows arch again at that, almost a warning– he's inching closer to being on an edge he might not want to be on. He almost says something, then pauses and stares at him. There is really only one answer to that question, and if nothing else, watching Jesper through the years makes the answer quite obvious: Attraction. But...
"Okay...but.." He scoffs and shakes his head. "Jesper, even if he was attracted to me," And though the phrasing makes it sound like he doubts it, hasn't Noah pretty much said as much to him? What point is there in denying it, other than Kaz can't wrap his mind around the idea. "nothing's going to come of it."
A beat.
"Same as the picture. Nothing was ever going to actually be followed through with it... so what, exactly, is it you think I should be doing about it? Mostly... it sounds like I didn't act like you expected and now you've decided somehow it was...wrong?" The last word doesn't even feel right, exactly, but it's the best he's got for now. There's a curious squint to his eyes, though. He is actually trying to understand this, but whatever Jesper finds obvious, Kaz clearly does not.
Well, miracles can and do happen it would seem--Kaz had connected the dots. At least that's not something he'd have to spell out for him. Because that would either end up in more frustration or in this whole conversation being shut down immediately.
"So, nothing's going to come of it and therefore it doesn't matter?" He fixed Kaz with a doubtful look of his own. A lack of outcome was hardly a reason to not examine something--or to look at the possibilities beyond that assumed outcome. Usually, that was something Kaz was on top of. Unless...this was something he was avoiding. "You didn't act how I expected and it's not often I read that wrong, so...Maybe you should actually examine why not of it bothers you. I might be asking the questions, but they're answers you need too."
He's quiet, considering it for a moment before he says anything else. Initially, he wasn't following, but he is now, and he's pretty sure he knows what Jesper is implying, here, too. What he isn't sure about, is how to feel about it.
He glances back over at Jesper, a curious sort of look on his face, not particularly studious like he has a tendency to get, but... like he's trying to puzzle something out. A frown crosses his features, a small, inquisitive thing that's more around his eyes than on his face at all.
And all at once, it's like he's decided exactly what he's meant to say. Everything snapping back instantly to the always calmly collected Kaz Brekker. "Noah seems to think that I'm... attracted to you."
"Oh, he's suggested that has he?" Jesper looks curious, a hint of a small grin and a raised eyebrow, but not particularly surprised. Noah's mentioned as much to him in passing more than once, it wouldn't be much of a stretch that he's suggested it to Kaz too.
He's more surprised Kaz is rolling with it and bringing it up on his own.
"And your thoughts?" He can guess that Kaz has given it little more than a passing thought--if that. But he has to ask all the same.
He just gives him a look at that comment. No way that hasn't been thrown his direction from the ghost, so stop playing coy, Jesper.
Though it's an obvious leap to make that mentioning something leads into questions about it, there's a moment of a sudden and intense desire to shut down the whole conversation. This is not something he wants to discuss, with anyone, and least of all with the one it's actually about.
It's a little bit like someone pointing out anything between him and Inej back home. It was meant to be a quiet, private thing, and intrusions were discouraged utterly and entirely, even from those closest to him. And this? Was a point made by someone who was, by all rights, not meant to know anything, yet knew nearly everything far faster than he should have– and it's not only speculation when Noah says things. Which is the trap Kaz keeps finding himself in with him.
A trap he doesn't actually have with Jesper. There's a lot of different ways he could ease out of this, if for nothing else other than knowing, the way he's always known, that Jesper holds a certain desperate need to stay on something close to even-footing with Kaz. He's never been above manipulating the sharpshooter when he felt it either necessary, or in his own interest.
But this isn't either of those things. It's just...awkward to talk about. Kaz isn't good with things that make him feel awkward. "I haven't exactly thought about it." Which isn't exactly true, but who is he if he isn't making a conversation like this akin to pulling teeth?
"Liar." There's no reason to have pretense here. If Kaz is going to make it difficult by having him draw even an iota of admittance from him, then Jesper was going to call him on his bullshit. He's tired of the walls and the way new ones pop up the minute another is torn down, but he also knows that's something that comes with the territory. He'd just have to be half as stubborn as Kaz to get through.
"You," He emphasizes, pointed and direct, "over-analyze every scrap of information that comes your way. Be it rumor or conjecture or suggestion. You've definitely thought about it."
Now, the question would be if this wall would prove to be a hurtle, one that crumbled with a little push. Or it could be something Kaz was more adamant about avoiding--that would require more finesse than he was sure he was capable of at the moment. "So. Thoughts. Talk, Brekker."
He almost points out that he analyzes important things, but that felt a little bit too low of a blow, even from him. Too many other implications, real or imagined, were tied up in a remark like that and Jesper doesn't deserve that being laid at his feet. Especially when it isn't true.
So for a moment that stretches on longer than is comfortable, he doesn't say anything at all. Caught up both by tamping down his first knee-jerk response and that less than subtle call-out from his sharpshooter. Rude.
But all of these things lead him to having to answer the question. And he really isn't sure how to. He doesn't even say such things to Inej, in so many words, how in All Saints names' is he supposed to tell Jesper? "Well, obviously, you're... a good-looking bloke." Stilted. Clinical. Practically stumbling his way through a single sentence.
"Good-looking bloke." Jesper repeats the phrase and immediately has to bite back a laugh. "Saints, we need to work on your compliments."
He can't help it, teasing him. It's not often that Kaz stumbles, that he's backed into a corner where he's awkward and flustered. Jesper has had the pleasure of reducing more than a few people to such a state, but this was different in its own way. Because it was Kaz. Because it was new ground with them.
Jesper had to convince himself he wasn't hallucinating.
"Relax, Kaz. There's no harm in admitting you find someone, a friend, attractive. It's fine. I admitted as much about you already awhile ago."
His jaw tightens at that comment, though a part of him is grateful for the teasing. That part, at least, feels normal, in this sea of unfamiliar they're currently wading in.
"Yes, well, you... say things like that, I..." Keep everything under vault-lock-and-key like the world's most well-guarded secret at all times. But that doesn't have a very nice ring to it, so he just trails off instead.
"You don't afford yourself the opportunity." He chimes in with a soft sigh. He knows the hows and whys of how Kaz got to be here, the way he is. "I say things like that because life's too short to not let people know what you see in them."
He doesn't pity him, Kaz would never want that from him, but he does hate that he's felt the need to deny himself everything that could connect him to other people. Isolation, emotionally or otherwise, had a way of breaking people.
"You should try. To tell people those things you usually wouldn't." Jesper has to wonder how well his advice will be taken in tandem with Noah's. If it would count for anything. "Physical distance isn't your only problem. And trust me, if it's one of us we aren't going to laugh you off or...hold anything against you."
Life's too short. The words cut a deeper chord than he's sure Jesper really understands. Doesn't he realize he knows that? He's known since he was small how short the hand any of them were dealt could be. His parents. His brother. Matthias, since then, even. His gaze drops to his hands in his lap, not sure what to say to that at all.
"I don't know how." he says, voice quiet. It sounds stupid, even to his own ears, but that's how it feels. Like all the parts of him that might have once been able to do exactly that, at the drop of a hat and pick of a whim, had atrophied, withered up and turned to dust a long time ago.
He finally looks up at Jesper again. "What if I can't? What if... nothing changes, and everything's the way it's always been?" Will he get fed up with it all eventually? Decide he can't take dealing with someone like Kaz but for so long? His people leaving him, particularly because he couldn't be the person they want– need?– him to be, is one of the only things Kaz truly fears at all. His circle is so small, if they started to walk away, it wouldn't take long before he was left with no one.
"Doesn't mean you can't learn." Jesper quips back, but it's gentle, almost coaxing. It's true, if Kaz truly wanted to try it wasn't as though he was in short supply of people willing to help him. "A bit of practice maybe..."
His questions though, draw a sigh out of him. Kaz doesn't voice it, but there's an underlying worry there--one he put into words once, back in the confines of a hospital and fresh off a living nightmare and memory. "If you can't, then things don't change and we're still here..." He shrugs. "I don't think you want to keep us all out. But there are some things that have to give for you to breathe and actually live, Kaz..."
"Maybe..." he agrees lightly, frowning a little. That doesn't feel like enough, but it takes him a few moments to figure out what else to add. "But... how? The...stuff that Noah's doing, makes sense. It's...just desensitization. But this wouldn't be like that, so...how?"
His face scrunches slightly as he looks at him. "You're sure?" He can't stop the way he tries to scrutinize everything, from the way Jesper looks at him to the way he might shift in his seat, analyzing, just like he'd said, every single thing he might be able to piece together as some hidden thought pattern behind whatever Jesper might say out loud.
"I have to, Jesper." He shakes his head. "I can't lose like that again. I can't..." his voice is barely audible, it isn't something he even wants to consider.
"The stuff Noah's doing is desensitization, but it's also practice. It's only thing to not jump out of your skin when someone touches you--it's another to be willing to try reaching out on your own." He shrugs. That's the point of it all right? Not just to keep Kaz from freaking out but to actually welcome it at some point. That's a long road. "Same principle--you just have to have someone you're willing to try with."
And he knows Kaz is going to look into all that's said. He can feel it with the way that he's being watched. It's almost like you can see the gears turning as Kaz tries to puzzle it out, to read beyond the surface--even if the surface is all there is.
"Life is love and loss, Kaz. You can't keep that from happening. You can't control the where or how...but you can make sure people know what the hell they mean to you." He sighs. It's harder with the losses Kaz has suffered, the people he's seen go, and the ways they've done it.
He scoffs softly. "Saints, I still can't even take these off." he indicates the gloves on his hands. "Maybe he's wasting his time with me." All those eventualities that lay stretched out in front of him feel so insurmountable, still.
"Not like that." he whispers but the words come out in Kerch. He's shaking his head as he starts again. "I know I can't keep it from happening. That's why I have to keep everyone at a distance. If I can just...keep you far enough away, then it won't hurt as much." It's a useless hope, somewhere under this strange conviction he's spent too long trying to convince himself of as a truth, he knows that. Because the people he cares about are already a part of him in the exact way he tried so hard to keep from allowing to happen.
"He's not wasting his time. You've barely started anyway." And there was the matter of what was likely more than a few setbacks with all that Hell throws their way. But Noah's stubborn enough--he wasn't likely to give up on Kaz any more than Kaz would give up on any of his own.
"And what about us, if you're the one to go first?" Jesper asks quietly, though he doesn't want to. There is no denying that possibility. If any of them could go at any time, that would include Kaz as well--if anything, his lot was worse than theirs put together. "You're not the only one that faces the chance of loss. And loss hurts either way, no matter how much we try to make it less. We all know if it happens whoever's left is going to be a sorry lot of mourners. And...that's more than likely to leave just Nina and me at the end of it all."
It's not something he likes to think of, much less talk about. But it's the reality of Grisha. They live longer--longer than Kaz can make on borrowed time. Longer than Wylan's money can buy. Longer than Inej's Saints can give her. At the end of it all, there will be at least two mourners standing at their funerals.
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Date: 2021-10-16 10:20 pm (UTC)"Sorry Kaz, but that is why I'm here in the first place." He says between laughter. Was he actually sorry about any of it? Absolutely not.
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Date: 2021-10-19 07:50 pm (UTC)Flustered is not a state of being that Kaz is very familiar with, but he can't deny that's what everything about this particular topic of conversation is making him feel. "I'm not sure why this... is somehow groundbreaking enough to require an entire confrontation."
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Date: 2021-10-22 11:39 pm (UTC)"An entire conversation." Jesper starts, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and an amused tone in his voice as he comes more into Kaz's space. There's a hint of a grin, parts devilish and parts bordering on flirtatious. He's starting to tread a line here, but what's a bit of fun without hedging one's bets? "We're having a conversation, not a confrontation, Kaz. Call it curiosity. You said you weren't bothered, figured it would have been something to raise your hackles..."
A shrug, a beat--two, three, four--and then Jesper is leaning back in his seat again, all ease. The grin was still spread across his lips, self-satisfied in the moment.
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Date: 2021-10-23 01:52 am (UTC)There's a sudden breath in his lungs when he does, inevitably, move away again. He has to wonder if that was on purpose. Probably, knowing Jesper. He doesn't like that stupid, smug grin on his face, either. "Oh, give me a break, Jesper." His face scrunches up a bit in something half-annoyed, half... something not quite nameable. "I may not be as experienced as you," his eyebrows lift. "But I'm not a prude. And you don't have anything I haven't seen before."
"Why does there have to be some sort of...revelation attached to it? It doesn't bother me... the same way it doesn't bother me when Noah flirts with me. It just...doesn't." He's never bothered thinking any further than that little bit on the surface, truthfully.
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Date: 2021-10-23 05:39 pm (UTC)If only for the set of events that led to said dick-sighting. There was, after all, a reason he had worried at Kaz's potential reaction--for a moment, he had expected something more along the lines of normal and expected. He had forgotten that those two words did not quite run synonymous with Kaz Brekker.
"You are honestly telling me you don't wonder at it? Why the flirtation doesn't quite bother you--Given certain circumstances," Kaz's issue with touch is what immediately springs to mind, "I'd have thought it would give you more...pause."
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Date: 2021-10-23 09:03 pm (UTC)"Wonder at what?" He seems genuinely confused by that particular line of questioning. He scoffs a little at the implication. "Why should it? It's a picture and some words... there's not actual intention of anything. You never intended for me to be the one that ended up with it. And Noah– I don't know. I think he's just like that, with everyone."
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Date: 2021-10-24 05:55 pm (UTC)And he had made it a habit to make note of it before he and Noah tripped into whatever this budding friendship of theirs was. Jealousy made people do odd things--like keeping tabs on a certain ghost that had a knack for getting a human safe to open up with what seemed to be very little effort.
"Point being, you can't just explain that all away. Because even though I didn't intend for you to end up with it, the intention of that kind of thing is pretty obvious and you--what, just shrug it off? Not buying it."
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Date: 2021-10-24 06:16 pm (UTC)"I think I just did." He points out, lifting his eyebrows in some sort of challenge. "Why wouldn't I shrug it off?"
He sighs, exasperated, as one often is when dealing with Jesper in his personal, vast experience of it, thanks. "Jesper... I don't know what you think you know, or... what you're looking for, here."
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Date: 2021-10-24 06:26 pm (UTC)If he didn't make the connection himself, Jesper might strangle him.
"And once again, usually, people wouldn't just shrug it off. For all the Saints..." Or maybe he could just die here from exasperation. Honestly, Hell should get rid of some of his sins for dealing with this. Patience was a Virtue and he was showing it in spades right now.
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Date: 2021-10-24 06:43 pm (UTC)"Okay...but.." He scoffs and shakes his head. "Jesper, even if he was attracted to me," And though the phrasing makes it sound like he doubts it, hasn't Noah pretty much said as much to him? What point is there in denying it, other than Kaz can't wrap his mind around the idea. "nothing's going to come of it."
A beat.
"Same as the picture. Nothing was ever going to actually be followed through with it... so what, exactly, is it you think I should be doing about it? Mostly... it sounds like I didn't act like you expected and now you've decided somehow it was...wrong?" The last word doesn't even feel right, exactly, but it's the best he's got for now. There's a curious squint to his eyes, though. He is actually trying to understand this, but whatever Jesper finds obvious, Kaz clearly does not.
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Date: 2021-10-24 06:58 pm (UTC)"So, nothing's going to come of it and therefore it doesn't matter?" He fixed Kaz with a doubtful look of his own. A lack of outcome was hardly a reason to not examine something--or to look at the possibilities beyond that assumed outcome. Usually, that was something Kaz was on top of. Unless...this was something he was avoiding. "You didn't act how I expected and it's not often I read that wrong, so...Maybe you should actually examine why not of it bothers you. I might be asking the questions, but they're answers you need too."
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Date: 2021-10-24 07:22 pm (UTC)He glances back over at Jesper, a curious sort of look on his face, not particularly studious like he has a tendency to get, but... like he's trying to puzzle something out. A frown crosses his features, a small, inquisitive thing that's more around his eyes than on his face at all.
And all at once, it's like he's decided exactly what he's meant to say. Everything snapping back instantly to the always calmly collected Kaz Brekker. "Noah seems to think that I'm... attracted to you."
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Date: 2021-10-24 07:33 pm (UTC)He's more surprised Kaz is rolling with it and bringing it up on his own.
"And your thoughts?" He can guess that Kaz has given it little more than a passing thought--if that. But he has to ask all the same.
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Date: 2021-10-24 09:02 pm (UTC)Though it's an obvious leap to make that mentioning something leads into questions about it, there's a moment of a sudden and intense desire to shut down the whole conversation. This is not something he wants to discuss, with anyone, and least of all with the one it's actually about.
It's a little bit like someone pointing out anything between him and Inej back home. It was meant to be a quiet, private thing, and intrusions were discouraged utterly and entirely, even from those closest to him. And this? Was a point made by someone who was, by all rights, not meant to know anything, yet knew nearly everything far faster than he should have– and it's not only speculation when Noah says things. Which is the trap Kaz keeps finding himself in with him.
A trap he doesn't actually have with Jesper. There's a lot of different ways he could ease out of this, if for nothing else other than knowing, the way he's always known, that Jesper holds a certain desperate need to stay on something close to even-footing with Kaz. He's never been above manipulating the sharpshooter when he felt it either necessary, or in his own interest.
But this isn't either of those things. It's just...awkward to talk about. Kaz isn't good with things that make him feel awkward. "I haven't exactly thought about it." Which isn't exactly true, but who is he if he isn't making a conversation like this akin to pulling teeth?
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Date: 2021-10-30 04:18 pm (UTC)"You," He emphasizes, pointed and direct, "over-analyze every scrap of information that comes your way. Be it rumor or conjecture or suggestion. You've definitely thought about it."
Now, the question would be if this wall would prove to be a hurtle, one that crumbled with a little push. Or it could be something Kaz was more adamant about avoiding--that would require more finesse than he was sure he was capable of at the moment. "So. Thoughts. Talk, Brekker."
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Date: 2021-10-30 05:09 pm (UTC)So for a moment that stretches on longer than is comfortable, he doesn't say anything at all. Caught up both by tamping down his first knee-jerk response and that less than subtle call-out from his sharpshooter. Rude.
But all of these things lead him to having to answer the question. And he really isn't sure how to. He doesn't even say such things to Inej, in so many words, how in All Saints names' is he supposed to tell Jesper? "Well, obviously, you're... a good-looking bloke." Stilted. Clinical. Practically stumbling his way through a single sentence.
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Date: 2021-10-30 05:36 pm (UTC)He can't help it, teasing him. It's not often that Kaz stumbles, that he's backed into a corner where he's awkward and flustered. Jesper has had the pleasure of reducing more than a few people to such a state, but this was different in its own way. Because it was Kaz. Because it was new ground with them.
Jesper had to convince himself he wasn't hallucinating.
"Relax, Kaz. There's no harm in admitting you find someone, a friend, attractive. It's fine. I admitted as much about you already awhile ago."
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Date: 2021-10-30 05:43 pm (UTC)"Yes, well, you... say things like that, I..." Keep everything under vault-lock-and-key like the world's most well-guarded secret at all times. But that doesn't have a very nice ring to it, so he just trails off instead.
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Date: 2021-10-30 06:14 pm (UTC)He doesn't pity him, Kaz would never want that from him, but he does hate that he's felt the need to deny himself everything that could connect him to other people. Isolation, emotionally or otherwise, had a way of breaking people.
"You should try. To tell people those things you usually wouldn't." Jesper has to wonder how well his advice will be taken in tandem with Noah's. If it would count for anything. "Physical distance isn't your only problem. And trust me, if it's one of us we aren't going to laugh you off or...hold anything against you."
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Date: 2021-10-30 06:33 pm (UTC)"I don't know how." he says, voice quiet. It sounds stupid, even to his own ears, but that's how it feels. Like all the parts of him that might have once been able to do exactly that, at the drop of a hat and pick of a whim, had atrophied, withered up and turned to dust a long time ago.
He finally looks up at Jesper again. "What if I can't? What if... nothing changes, and everything's the way it's always been?" Will he get fed up with it all eventually? Decide he can't take dealing with someone like Kaz but for so long? His people leaving him, particularly because he couldn't be the person they want– need?– him to be, is one of the only things Kaz truly fears at all. His circle is so small, if they started to walk away, it wouldn't take long before he was left with no one.
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Date: 2021-10-30 07:37 pm (UTC)His questions though, draw a sigh out of him. Kaz doesn't voice it, but there's an underlying worry there--one he put into words once, back in the confines of a hospital and fresh off a living nightmare and memory. "If you can't, then things don't change and we're still here..." He shrugs. "I don't think you want to keep us all out. But there are some things that have to give for you to breathe and actually live, Kaz..."
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Date: 2021-10-30 07:55 pm (UTC)His face scrunches slightly as he looks at him. "You're sure?" He can't stop the way he tries to scrutinize everything, from the way Jesper looks at him to the way he might shift in his seat, analyzing, just like he'd said, every single thing he might be able to piece together as some hidden thought pattern behind whatever Jesper might say out loud.
"I have to, Jesper." He shakes his head. "I can't lose like that again. I can't..." his voice is barely audible, it isn't something he even wants to consider.
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Date: 2021-10-30 08:07 pm (UTC)And he knows Kaz is going to look into all that's said. He can feel it with the way that he's being watched. It's almost like you can see the gears turning as Kaz tries to puzzle it out, to read beyond the surface--even if the surface is all there is.
"Life is love and loss, Kaz. You can't keep that from happening. You can't control the where or how...but you can make sure people know what the hell they mean to you." He sighs. It's harder with the losses Kaz has suffered, the people he's seen go, and the ways they've done it.
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Date: 2021-10-30 08:20 pm (UTC)"Not like that." he whispers but the words come out in Kerch. He's shaking his head as he starts again. "I know I can't keep it from happening. That's why I have to keep everyone at a distance. If I can just...keep you far enough away, then it won't hurt as much." It's a useless hope, somewhere under this strange conviction he's spent too long trying to convince himself of as a truth, he knows that. Because the people he cares about are already a part of him in the exact way he tried so hard to keep from allowing to happen.
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Date: 2021-10-30 08:42 pm (UTC)"And what about us, if you're the one to go first?" Jesper asks quietly, though he doesn't want to. There is no denying that possibility. If any of them could go at any time, that would include Kaz as well--if anything, his lot was worse than theirs put together. "You're not the only one that faces the chance of loss. And loss hurts either way, no matter how much we try to make it less. We all know if it happens whoever's left is going to be a sorry lot of mourners. And...that's more than likely to leave just Nina and me at the end of it all."
It's not something he likes to think of, much less talk about. But it's the reality of Grisha. They live longer--longer than Kaz can make on borrowed time. Longer than Wylan's money can buy. Longer than Inej's Saints can give her. At the end of it all, there will be at least two mourners standing at their funerals.
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