Jesper is used to being called on, regardless of the hour, occasion, or potential for inconvenience. He's used to the orders that came with being Kaz's second--he isn't used to being asked. Kaz Brekker does not ask if you're busy, he merely assumes that whatever (or whomever) you may be busy with isn't worth his concern and that you'd take up whatever task was given.
So it takes him a moment to respond, if only because it throws him off the expected routine. He had a feeling this talk was going to do that for the course of it.
This isn't the typical beck-and-call situation, and Kaz is still trying to decide how to actually handle this. He's awkward at best because it's all so outside of the things he usually deals in.
Yeah. Come to mine?
It was easier, he thinks. A false sense of comfort that come from being in his own suite, like it gave him any more control over this.
It might not be the typical beck-and-call, but the "invite" certainly rings true to their usual play with this kind of thing. Not that they had many heart-to-hearts to talk of back in Ketterdam or elsewhere. Still, the curt response earns a roll of his eyes that no one is around to see and an equally short reply.
Five minutes.
He wasn't planning on taking longer than that to make it up to Kaz's floor--and he wasn't going to bother to knock once he was there. Little point when one was expected, and the last time he had knocked on Kaz's door was for a rather grim request. Best to avoid any casual reminders of that affair when possible.
He's still not entirely sure how to have this conversation, but he also knows that if he waits, he'd likely never do it. Jesper may have come to his door with it eventually, but with avoidance on the table, it's likely the longer they went between, the more quickly Kaz might shut the whole conversation down.
It doesn’t help that Noah has added a section to this conversation.
As it is, he's in a bit of an odd mood after seeing Noah earlier anyway. Things had been weirdly intense, in a way he hadn't expected it to be. He isn't entirely sure how Noah does it, but he always seems to somehow manage to squeeze more words––real ones, big ones, true ones––out of Kaz than anyone has any right to. And this time was rougher than before— some of it due to the fresh trauma still resting firmly in the center of his chest.
"…you killed your best friend."
His stomach twists as Noah’s words drift through his mind again.
Glad for the distraction from that, he scowls slightly at the intrusion from his place on the couch, though the normalcy of it does make something in his shoulders unwind. "You'd do good to learn a manner or two, you know." It's easier to just let this be normal, instead of diving immediately into the bigger discussion, here.
"And when have you ever known me to have good manners?" He asks, easy as anything. He knows what's coming, was warned by Noah about it, but that doesn't mean he has to dive right into it. He can let both of them breathe for at least a moment.
So he eases into a seat, just enough distance between them that Kaz will surely pick up on that fact that he's aware there's more to this talk than what he had initially headed over here for. "Noah wanted me to remind you not to forget the clothes in the dryer."
Flippant, cool. A bit more neutral than pushing him to talk about the shot he had to take little less than a month ago. Far more neutral than talking about his death at the hand of his best friend, again.
"Never," he quips back with an easy roll of his eyes as Jesper comes to join him on the couch. He can't help the trail of his eyes from Jesper's face, and down to the space between them. It's closer than he would normally sit and Kaz is unsure how to feel about it. Noah does it all the time, it isn't so different, is it? But it's more obvious when Jesper does it, because he never really has.
The comment about Noah and the dryer makes him frown, eyes darting immediately back up to Jesper's face. He doesn't even get the thought from his head and out of his mouth before Jesper says the next thing.
The question is still absolutely on point, so he snaps a bit as he asks, "Why are you talking to Noah?" Did he already know that Noah had text him? Yes. He was watching him do it, though he had no clue exactly what he'd said to him. Was he going to let knowing that stop him from being kind of miffed about it? Absolutely not. "Are you two conspiring now? Comparing notes?" He isn't sure he likes the idea of it. Noah talks too much as it is, the idea that the things he admits to him are swapping hands to anyone else is a little annoying.
"Saints," Jesper groans, head lolling back against the couch before he turns his head to give Kaz a look. It borders on annoyance, vague and indirect as it is. "We talk because we're friends, Kaz. You may not be fond of the word, but some of us are."
It's another wall Kaz has, a way to keep them close but just distant enough that he can feign indifference. An investment, an associate, collateral--all detached words meant to hide how attached he really was. Jesper knew enough to know they were friends, even if the use of the word was as infrequent as any coming from Kaz's mouth.
"We aren't comparing notes, but considering how I freaked out when I was pissed last night, Noah warned me about what I might be walking into here."
Kaz actually has the gall to look doubtful for a beat at that comment. He doesn't actually doubt that Noah and Jesper are friends. Jesper makes friends like most people breathe, and Noah doesn't seem too far behind him in that category, honestly.
"Warning you," he doesn't hide the incredulity in his voice, or the irritation in the roll of his eyes at the comment, either. "Hell's made you soft, has it? I'm something to be handled, and you can't deal with me without a warning system in place?"
He scoffs and shakes his head. There were probably similar things in place at The Slat, but Kaz hadn't caught onto it if there were. There's something about it that shoves itself under his ribs that it's Jesper feeling like he needs some sort of signal in how best to approach him.
Jesper. His sharpshooter. His lieutenant. His right hand. Jesper, who knows him best of nearly anyone.
If he can't deal with Kaz, and all the worst, infuriating parts of him, how can anyone?
Inconveniently. Absolutely none of that comes out of his mouth, though.
"Oh for fucksake, get your head out of your ass." There's something that stings in that accusation, in that trickle of doubt. Kaz was never something to be handled, something for Jesper to be afraid of. No, he was more afraid of the walls getting thicker, of being pushed out, of losing someone that meant something to him. He was afraid of pushing too much, too far, and finding the doors and windows shuttered for it.
"He wasn't warning me to protect me from you. The conversation he's expecting us to have isn't exactly an easy one, and you aren't making it much better by jumping to whatever conclusions are mulling around in that head of yours."
Maybe this had been a bad idea. To come here, to hash whatever this all was out. But then, wasn't that the point? That they had things to talk about that weren't going to be easy?
"What's the point of being warned at all, then?" Please, Jesper, make this make sense somehow, because as it stands right now, it super does not, sir. He'd like to not feel that way, but everything points to it right now, from where he's standing.
He smirks, but it's not the friendly, amused thing it can be, it's the smirk of Dirtyhands, all danger and sharp edges, daring him to give him a reason. A reason for what is hard to say just now. "Sure," he nods a little. "Blame me. It's easier, isn't it? Much easier, I'd wager, than actually admitting any of your own faults in the situation."
"The point is so I don't walk into it and have a bomb dropped on me, but here we are." This was turning into a proper row now. The only difference is that they weren't in a hotel room crowded with friends and fellow hideaways with his father down the hall, nor were they in the dimly lit rooms of the Slat or the noisy parlors of the Crow Club. There was nothing to stop this, to stop them if it came to blows or harsh words.
Maybe that's how things had to be. Nothing to hold them back until the truth of it all was laid bare at their feet.
"That's rich." He hisses, hackles raised, and seconds away from standing from the couch. "You think I don't blame myself? That I don't carry the weight of it? I may not admit it to you, but it's not like I'm falling asleep every night like some lullabied babe. It's not like I don't have ghosts, or the shadow of your damn face as you pulled the trigger swimming around in my head."
Sometimes, that's all there is. Especially for the two of them. No other way but through, in the most brutal of ways.
"You come in here and you ask me to do the worst thing you could have possibly asked. And you knew I'd say yes. You knew when it came down to it, we both knew there was no way Wylan was going to be able to put a fucking bullet in you, you knew it would be me, you knew I would do it. And you asked anyway." Though the emotion is definitely present on the inside, he could feel it all threatening to choke the air from his lungs inside the cage of his chest, but he's stubborn, and he's really good at keep his face neutral, despite everything else.
He nods, but the agreement isn't in it, it's something almost mocking. "You remember my face? Yeah. I remember yours too. I remember the light going out in your eyes. Everyone says people come back here, but how could we trust that, staring at your corpse?" He points at Jesper, "But you know what you don't remember? Is Wylan barely making it five feet away from where we were before he collapsed. The look on him for losing you. You can ask Inej how well I handled it after it was over."
"You're the only one I could trust to--To do what needed to be done." The fight's still there, simmering under the surface and ready to come bubbling up again, but it's gone from his voice. Where there was anger and frustration is now a hollow, choked sound. He wasn't there to see the aftermath, but he knew it existed--he didn't need it thrust in his face.
But that was Kaz too, cutting deep with words and actions alike.
"You think I wanted to waltz up here and put a gun in your hand--or in Wylan's? If you hadn't been there, he would have had to make that choice, same as you, or he would have been one of--" He can't even think of it. "I asked hoping you lot wouldn't get close, that it would have been a precaution only. I never wanted it to come to that, Kaz."
"Yeah, I know. It's what I do." But his words are a quiet mumble compared to all the others before it. He doesn't like how much it bothers him; it's no different than anything he's done before. Cleaner, really. More concise. Simple.
And yet it was none of those things because it was Jesper and that trumped everything else. All the other, messier deaths that had happened at his hands were nobodies to him. Jesper was much more than that.
"But it did." His voice is still quiet, which might be worse than the sharp snaps of moments ago. He doesn't trust his voice not to waver if he's much louder. "And you're back now, but... it doesn't change that it happened, does it? Still gotta live with it, don't we?" And that was the part that was always the hardest of it all, wasn't it?
"I trusted you to be able to take care of them--that's what you do. You look after us...Wish you'd let us look after you, too." At the end of the day that's what it all boiled down to. Kaz was someone they could rely on, believe in. And he believed in them all the same, but he never really let them take the weight off his shoulders either.
Jesper sinks back into the couch, a weariness settling into his very bones. They could still fight it out--depending on how things progressed another argument or a true match of blows could still arise, but for now, it was nothing more than a dull simmer. Something that always underlined their disagreements.
"That's the hardest part, learning to live with it and move past it...If it's something we can move past." But that part, that part was in Kaz's hands. Jesper was willing to put the work in, but Kaz had to be willing to not bury it completely too.
"You're not supposed to have to." It's a mumbled mess of an admission, but it's there, which is probably further than they've gotten in any of these rows before. But it's how he feels– he's the leader of this crew, he's meant to take care of his people, and he shouldn't need picked up, should be able to shoulder it alone.
He doesn't like the way Jesper just sort of deflates. Like he's accepting defeat. That's as far as he'll get, may as well deal with it. He doesn't know how to put the concept of why he doesn't like it into words, though.
But how? How do you get past something like that? He wants to, more than he knows how to say, but he can't see the way out of it. He debates what words come next, he isn't sure where to go from here, exactly.
There's a similarity in the feeling, now, to the way he feels when Noah keeps pressing an issue. To get that rise of emotion out of him to be able to see what he's really dealing with under it all. In a way, that's what makes it easier with Noah. It may be an internal pressure he puts on himself, but Kaz feels a bit pressed against the wall when it comes to Noah. He knows half the story, what good does it do to lie about it?
The difference, of course, is... Jesper doesn't know those things. He doesn't have that half of the playbook that Noah does. That makes it harder for the other boy, but in its own way, it makes it harder for Kaz, too. He has no external reason that pushes him to just come out with it the way knowing all those things about Noah does.
"At night... I dream of The Reaper's Barge." Not surprising, everything considered. But. "But now... it varies. Sometimes... it's the memory of being young and waking up there, Jordie and...all the others. But sometimes, now, I'm not young anymore... and you're there instead." Maybe it isn't a huge revelation. Is it really so hard to assume that his nightmares would twist the experience in such a way? Probably not. But Kaz admitting it? Out loud? That's practically enough for a celebration on its own.
"Ever think that maybe it's a matter of wanting to? You're not just our boss, Kaz. We all care about you." In their own ways, he knew that was true. Some of them, himself and Inej, had a closer tie and more reasons to care. But Jesper also knew that every member of their little crew, of those that traversed to Fjerda and back, had a faith in Kaz and counted him as more than a leader.
The admittance, the mention of the Reaper's Barge draws his attention. His eyes flicker over Kaz's face, and for once he's still and quiet. It makes sense, the change. Between the horrors of the hospital and the truths that came out of it, and the death Jesper had inadvertently placed directly in his hands--the connection isn't a hard one to make.
"There's no Reaper's Barge here, Kaz." Not that the fact is hard to miss, or that it will help at all. "And neither of those deaths, Jordie's or my own, are your fault. Mine--I asked you, and if you hadn't I could have, would have, come for you and Wylan." He knows Kaz knows this, either expressly or deep down he must know that. But knowing and accepting are always two sides of the same coin and they never quite meet.
"I want to help you, but I don't know how." An admittance of his own. He's stood by Kaz through Hell and high-water and then some, but he hasn't always been able to help. There was always something out of reach, something he can't quite touch.
He doesn't have a good answer for that, and he just lets his eyes drop in response. He's right, he knows he is, but that doesn't make him want to protect them from it all anyway.
"Dreams are fickle, they don't care about logic or reality... I'm not sure anything could stop that." He frowns slightly. "But I don't know... sort of what showing up here in the first place felt like." He can't suppress the shudder at the memory of it– all those long, skeletal, dead fingers clawing at every available part of him. "No... his wasn't. Yours was... whether you asked for it or not, I still did it... your blood's always gonna be on my hands now, Jesper."
He frowns slightly and stares, again, at the space on the couch between them before he looks back up at him. "I don't know...just...don't stop?" Don't stop pushing. Don't stop trying. Don't stop coming back.
"My blood's on my own hands. It wouldn't be on yours if I didn't ask; if I didn't put the gun in your hands. I can't stop you from feeling like it's different, but that's how I see it. Just to set the record straight." He knows he's not going to take that weight off Kaz's shoulders, that it's the guilt he'll likely hold on to regardless of what Jesper says. But he at least deserved to know that blame will never come from Jesper himself.
It's the request that stuns him, that leaves a stretch of silence laying between them as he considers what all that asks.
It's a weight and request he'd take on every time.
"Hey..." His voice is quiet, almost soft. "I won't, you know that. After everything? I'm not going to just walk out and give up on you."
"Then... maybe it will just be a weight we share." Because he can't let go of that guilt, he doesn't know how to, but isn't that what Jesper was saying before? Let us take care of you, too. Maybe this counts for that.
The silence is... strange, and a little unlike Jesper, but it's the consideration of everything those words mean.
"I don't know that I know it, so much as... I expect it? It's an assumption, it's...so easily taken for granted. But it's not really certain, is it?" He glances back over at him. "I mean– everyone has limits and you're all well in rights to get sick of it." To get sick of me, he means, but he can't be that pathetic out loud. But it's something he's worried about often, especially with Jesper and Inej. Losing them to his own inability to be better than he is.
Edited (a typo that would forever haunt me on rereads later lmfao) Date: 2021-10-10 11:30 pm (UTC)
"...I think that I can live with." It's not ideal, it's not what Jesper wants. But it is a step in the right direction with what he asked for from Kaz. To let them help him carry the weight once in a while--best to start with one they both felt they had the responsibility to bear.
Jesper sighs, more of a huff really. "I'm not giving up on you. I'm not going to just get 'sick of it' either." This--this was going to be a bit of a fight to get Kaz to realize too, he knows that. There had to be a reason Kaz held on to things so tightly, felt he couldn't burden them with anything. "You're stuck with me, thick and thin--We're friends, Kaz. Hell, closer than that. You're made if you think there's anything that's going to get me to walk out that door and not come back."
He nods a little, and decides to leave it at that. There isn't anything else to say on the matter– for real, this time.
There are equal parts incredulity and conviction in his voice that are just so incredibly Jesper in a way Kaz wouldn't be able to explain if he were asked to. But it's a comfort in itself, just to hear that certainty behind his words. Though he doesn't doubt Jesper's loyalty, some part of Kaz still wonders if it's true. Not in a way that implies the other boy is lying, but maybe his limits just haven't been pushed yet. Kaz doesn't want to find out how much it takes to push til it breaks.
"Good," he nods slowly. "s'all I want." Just don't leave him.
Jesper hums, pleased that they had come to some kind of accord. Or at least as much of one as they could on these issues. A comfortable silence stretches between them, a gentle hush after the row that had started this mess.
But quiet never lasts long in the presence of Jesper. And there was another matter he had come here to discuss.
He lets the quiet sit though, at least for a moment. A passing beat of peace. But even that's an illusion, broken by the tapping of his fingers against his knees before he speaks up. "So," He breathes out, the single syllable drawn on the vowel. "About that picture I sent...and your whole not-being-bothered-by-it?"
If he can put up with Kaz's shit, the opposite must be true for all he puts the other boy through.
The silence is a comfortable, companionable thing. A piece of solace after the heaviness of the conversation before it. Kaz knows that this is far from over, this is something they have to work on over time, but there is a comfort to be found in knowing they've managed to get some sort of even footing between them again. Imbalances with Jesper always feel very wrong.
Of course the silence couldn't last. He wouldn't expect it to, not with Jesper. He notes the idle, restless taps of his fingers and wonders what else could possibly be making him quite so anxious. Wasn't what they just talked about the heart of–
Oh.
The absolute whiplash change of conversation is jarring. He blinks and then a small frown etches across his features. "Saints, Jesper," he mutters under his breath, one hand bracing across his eyes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Oh fun
Date: 2021-10-02 12:34 am (UTC)So it takes him a moment to respond, if only because it throws him off the expected routine. He had a feeling this talk was going to do that for the course of it.
Re: Oh fun
Date: 2021-10-02 12:51 am (UTC)Come to mine?
It was easier, he thinks. A false sense of comfort that come from being in his own suite, like it gave him any more control over this.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-02 07:44 pm (UTC)He wasn't planning on taking longer than that to make it up to Kaz's floor--and he wasn't going to bother to knock once he was there. Little point when one was expected, and the last time he had knocked on Kaz's door was for a rather grim request. Best to avoid any casual reminders of that affair when possible.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-03 12:25 am (UTC)It doesn’t help that Noah has added a section to this conversation.
As it is, he's in a bit of an odd mood after seeing Noah earlier anyway. Things had been weirdly intense, in a way he hadn't expected it to be. He isn't entirely sure how Noah does it, but he always seems to somehow manage to squeeze more words––real ones, big ones, true ones––out of Kaz than anyone has any right to. And this time was rougher than before— some of it due to the fresh trauma still resting firmly in the center of his chest.
His stomach twists as Noah’s words drift through his mind again.
Glad for the distraction from that, he scowls slightly at the intrusion from his place on the couch, though the normalcy of it does make something in his shoulders unwind. "You'd do good to learn a manner or two, you know." It's easier to just let this be normal, instead of diving immediately into the bigger discussion, here.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 07:27 pm (UTC)So he eases into a seat, just enough distance between them that Kaz will surely pick up on that fact that he's aware there's more to this talk than what he had initially headed over here for. "Noah wanted me to remind you not to forget the clothes in the dryer."
Flippant, cool. A bit more neutral than pushing him to talk about the shot he had to take little less than a month ago. Far more neutral than talking about his death at the hand of his best friend, again.
"And he told me we had a lot more to talk about."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 07:47 pm (UTC)The comment about Noah and the dryer makes him frown, eyes darting immediately back up to Jesper's face. He doesn't even get the thought from his head and out of his mouth before Jesper says the next thing.
The question is still absolutely on point, so he snaps a bit as he asks, "Why are you talking to Noah?" Did he already know that Noah had text him? Yes. He was watching him do it, though he had no clue exactly what he'd said to him. Was he going to let knowing that stop him from being kind of miffed about it? Absolutely not. "Are you two conspiring now? Comparing notes?" He isn't sure he likes the idea of it. Noah talks too much as it is, the idea that the things he admits to him are swapping hands to anyone else is a little annoying.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 08:05 pm (UTC)It's another wall Kaz has, a way to keep them close but just distant enough that he can feign indifference. An investment, an associate, collateral--all detached words meant to hide how attached he really was. Jesper knew enough to know they were friends, even if the use of the word was as infrequent as any coming from Kaz's mouth.
"We aren't comparing notes, but considering how I freaked out when I was pissed last night, Noah warned me about what I might be walking into here."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 08:23 pm (UTC)"Warning you," he doesn't hide the incredulity in his voice, or the irritation in the roll of his eyes at the comment, either. "Hell's made you soft, has it? I'm something to be handled, and you can't deal with me without a warning system in place?"
He scoffs and shakes his head. There were probably similar things in place at The Slat, but Kaz hadn't caught onto it if there were. There's something about it that shoves itself under his ribs that it's Jesper feeling like he needs some sort of signal in how best to approach him.
Jesper.
His sharpshooter.
His lieutenant.
His right hand.
Jesper, who knows him best of nearly anyone.
If he can't deal with Kaz, and all the worst, infuriating parts of him, how can anyone?
Inconveniently.
Absolutely none of that comes out of his mouth, though.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 08:31 pm (UTC)"He wasn't warning me to protect me from you. The conversation he's expecting us to have isn't exactly an easy one, and you aren't making it much better by jumping to whatever conclusions are mulling around in that head of yours."
Maybe this had been a bad idea. To come here, to hash whatever this all was out. But then, wasn't that the point? That they had things to talk about that weren't going to be easy?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 08:47 pm (UTC)He smirks, but it's not the friendly, amused thing it can be, it's the smirk of Dirtyhands, all danger and sharp edges, daring him to give him a reason. A reason for what is hard to say just now. "Sure," he nods a little. "Blame me. It's easier, isn't it? Much easier, I'd wager, than actually admitting any of your own faults in the situation."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 08:54 pm (UTC)Maybe that's how things had to be. Nothing to hold them back until the truth of it all was laid bare at their feet.
"That's rich." He hisses, hackles raised, and seconds away from standing from the couch. "You think I don't blame myself? That I don't carry the weight of it? I may not admit it to you, but it's not like I'm falling asleep every night like some lullabied babe. It's not like I don't have ghosts, or the shadow of your damn face as you pulled the trigger swimming around in my head."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 09:13 pm (UTC)"You come in here and you ask me to do the worst thing you could have possibly asked. And you knew I'd say yes. You knew when it came down to it, we both knew there was no way Wylan was going to be able to put a fucking bullet in you, you knew it would be me, you knew I would do it. And you asked anyway." Though the emotion is definitely present on the inside, he could feel it all threatening to choke the air from his lungs inside the cage of his chest, but he's stubborn, and he's really good at keep his face neutral, despite everything else.
He nods, but the agreement isn't in it, it's something almost mocking. "You remember my face? Yeah. I remember yours too. I remember the light going out in your eyes. Everyone says people come back here, but how could we trust that, staring at your corpse?" He points at Jesper, "But you know what you don't remember? Is Wylan barely making it five feet away from where we were before he collapsed. The look on him for losing you. You can ask Inej how well I handled it after it was over."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 09:22 pm (UTC)But that was Kaz too, cutting deep with words and actions alike.
"You think I wanted to waltz up here and put a gun in your hand--or in Wylan's? If you hadn't been there, he would have had to make that choice, same as you, or he would have been one of--" He can't even think of it. "I asked hoping you lot wouldn't get close, that it would have been a precaution only. I never wanted it to come to that, Kaz."
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 09:32 pm (UTC)And yet it was none of those things because it was Jesper and that trumped everything else. All the other, messier deaths that had happened at his hands were nobodies to him. Jesper was much more than that.
"But it did." His voice is still quiet, which might be worse than the sharp snaps of moments ago. He doesn't trust his voice not to waver if he's much louder. "And you're back now, but... it doesn't change that it happened, does it? Still gotta live with it, don't we?" And that was the part that was always the hardest of it all, wasn't it?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 09:46 pm (UTC)Jesper sinks back into the couch, a weariness settling into his very bones. They could still fight it out--depending on how things progressed another argument or a true match of blows could still arise, but for now, it was nothing more than a dull simmer. Something that always underlined their disagreements.
"That's the hardest part, learning to live with it and move past it...If it's something we can move past." But that part, that part was in Kaz's hands. Jesper was willing to put the work in, but Kaz had to be willing to not bury it completely too.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 10:15 pm (UTC)He doesn't like the way Jesper just sort of deflates. Like he's accepting defeat. That's as far as he'll get, may as well deal with it. He doesn't know how to put the concept of why he doesn't like it into words, though.
But how? How do you get past something like that? He wants to, more than he knows how to say, but he can't see the way out of it. He debates what words come next, he isn't sure where to go from here, exactly.
There's a similarity in the feeling, now, to the way he feels when Noah keeps pressing an issue. To get that rise of emotion out of him to be able to see what he's really dealing with under it all. In a way, that's what makes it easier with Noah. It may be an internal pressure he puts on himself, but Kaz feels a bit pressed against the wall when it comes to Noah. He knows half the story, what good does it do to lie about it?
The difference, of course, is... Jesper doesn't know those things. He doesn't have that half of the playbook that Noah does. That makes it harder for the other boy, but in its own way, it makes it harder for Kaz, too. He has no external reason that pushes him to just come out with it the way knowing all those things about Noah does.
"At night... I dream of The Reaper's Barge." Not surprising, everything considered. But. "But now... it varies. Sometimes... it's the memory of being young and waking up there, Jordie and...all the others. But sometimes, now, I'm not young anymore... and you're there instead." Maybe it isn't a huge revelation. Is it really so hard to assume that his nightmares would twist the experience in such a way? Probably not. But Kaz admitting it? Out loud? That's practically enough for a celebration on its own.
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Date: 2021-10-10 10:25 pm (UTC)The admittance, the mention of the Reaper's Barge draws his attention. His eyes flicker over Kaz's face, and for once he's still and quiet. It makes sense, the change. Between the horrors of the hospital and the truths that came out of it, and the death Jesper had inadvertently placed directly in his hands--the connection isn't a hard one to make.
"There's no Reaper's Barge here, Kaz." Not that the fact is hard to miss, or that it will help at all. "And neither of those deaths, Jordie's or my own, are your fault. Mine--I asked you, and if you hadn't I could have, would have, come for you and Wylan." He knows Kaz knows this, either expressly or deep down he must know that. But knowing and accepting are always two sides of the same coin and they never quite meet.
"I want to help you, but I don't know how." An admittance of his own. He's stood by Kaz through Hell and high-water and then some, but he hasn't always been able to help. There was always something out of reach, something he can't quite touch.
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Date: 2021-10-10 10:40 pm (UTC)"Dreams are fickle, they don't care about logic or reality... I'm not sure anything could stop that." He frowns slightly. "But I don't know... sort of what showing up here in the first place felt like." He can't suppress the shudder at the memory of it– all those long, skeletal, dead fingers clawing at every available part of him. "No... his wasn't. Yours was... whether you asked for it or not, I still did it... your blood's always gonna be on my hands now, Jesper."
He frowns slightly and stares, again, at the space on the couch between them before he looks back up at him. "I don't know...just...don't stop?" Don't stop pushing. Don't stop trying. Don't stop coming back.
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Date: 2021-10-10 10:52 pm (UTC)It's the request that stuns him, that leaves a stretch of silence laying between them as he considers what all that asks.
It's a weight and request he'd take on every time.
"Hey..." His voice is quiet, almost soft. "I won't, you know that. After everything? I'm not going to just walk out and give up on you."
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Date: 2021-10-10 11:11 pm (UTC)The silence is... strange, and a little unlike Jesper, but it's the consideration of everything those words mean.
"I don't know that I know it, so much as... I expect it? It's an assumption, it's...so easily taken for granted. But it's not really certain, is it?" He glances back over at him. "I mean– everyone has limits and you're all well in rights to get sick of it." To get sick of me, he means, but he can't be that pathetic out loud. But it's something he's worried about often, especially with Jesper and Inej. Losing them to his own inability to be better than he is.
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Date: 2021-10-10 11:34 pm (UTC)Jesper sighs, more of a huff really. "I'm not giving up on you. I'm not going to just get 'sick of it' either." This--this was going to be a bit of a fight to get Kaz to realize too, he knows that. There had to be a reason Kaz held on to things so tightly, felt he couldn't burden them with anything. "You're stuck with me, thick and thin--We're friends, Kaz. Hell, closer than that. You're made if you think there's anything that's going to get me to walk out that door and not come back."
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Date: 2021-10-10 11:53 pm (UTC)There are equal parts incredulity and conviction in his voice that are just so incredibly Jesper in a way Kaz wouldn't be able to explain if he were asked to. But it's a comfort in itself, just to hear that certainty behind his words. Though he doesn't doubt Jesper's loyalty, some part of Kaz still wonders if it's true. Not in a way that implies the other boy is lying, but maybe his limits just haven't been pushed yet. Kaz doesn't want to find out how much it takes to push til it breaks.
"Good," he nods slowly. "s'all I want." Just don't leave him.
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Date: 2021-10-11 12:04 am (UTC)But quiet never lasts long in the presence of Jesper. And there was another matter he had come here to discuss.
He lets the quiet sit though, at least for a moment. A passing beat of peace. But even that's an illusion, broken by the tapping of his fingers against his knees before he speaks up. "So," He breathes out, the single syllable drawn on the vowel. "About that picture I sent...and your whole not-being-bothered-by-it?"
If he can put up with Kaz's shit, the opposite must be true for all he puts the other boy through.
Result of a Butt Dial? Nosy Raven. Carry on.
Date: 2021-10-11 12:42 am (UTC)Noah answers his phone but what he finds on the other end is not a conversation meant for him.
Or was it?
No probably not. This group didn’t know what a washing machine was it wouldn’t be hard to accidentally but dial someone.
He glances around him once and then quietly mutes his speaker and wanders into the kitchen where he can listen in peace.
And make a bowl of popcorn as one does when they’re being nosy. ]
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Date: 2021-10-11 12:43 am (UTC)Of course the silence couldn't last. He wouldn't expect it to, not with Jesper. He notes the idle, restless taps of his fingers and wonders what else could possibly be making him quite so anxious. Wasn't what they just talked about the heart of–
Oh.
The absolute whiplash change of conversation is jarring. He blinks and then a small frown etches across his features. "Saints, Jesper," he mutters under his breath, one hand bracing across his eyes.
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